By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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