you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
3pm strippers are depressing
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
