Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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