I CAN MOONWALK!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
