I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
