I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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