Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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