You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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