My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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