when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
