You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
