i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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