i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
