You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
