Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
