I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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