She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
