At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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