Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Shame is for Republicans.
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