Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
