just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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