Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
