take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
