i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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