So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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