Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dick very happy bro
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
