Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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