My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
