He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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