Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
