you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize