no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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