I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize