id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
