Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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