Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize