foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
