another moral hangover. fuck.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I stole a fireplace last night.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
