Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
