i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
