Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize