On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
