He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
