Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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