Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
