Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize