I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
