I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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