I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
