It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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