I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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