were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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