fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
