i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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