Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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