I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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