I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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