Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize