2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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