I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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